Nothing vent worthy lately...

I haven't been as angry lately as I was last year and originally I kind of opened this page to bitch about people I would most certainly mistake for zombies if in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  The last few months I have spent having fun with friends and taking care of my daily routine.  I even jumped back into my workout schedule the way I should be doing it without serious half-assery.

For the most part I am healing from the shit that has happened and working toward finding the me that was always happy no matter what the day had in store.  Yesterday was kind of rough.  My sister asked me if I wanted to see a photo she found that had me and my mom in it...

I thought I could finally handle this kind of thing so I replied with, "sure" and looked at it.

Like a flashback I could remember what we were doing, what we were saying, and every detail about that day.  It is one of my favorite memories of myself and my mother.  Its strange how something so simple can put you right back in the place you worked so hard to crawl back out of.

In any event I think all I need is a really good laugh and posserably a starbucks!  XD

The Nosy Fat Little Bird of Hypocrisy....

I am pretty humble and enjoy living a private life.  As a person living in a small town I have learned to shy away from any kind of community fun because all it breeds is drama.  I’ve gone to church more times than I can count in my lifetime and each time I have something has happened to leave a sour taste on the tip of my tongue.  I’ve joined community events only to leave severely upset at the fact that most people in small towns gather to talk shit about others.  I am sure people do not discuss anything about my life unless they are digging as far back as 15 years ago unless they are talking about the creepy quiet lady who always keeps to herself.

That’s right!  I am quiet and avoid eye contact because it is easier than running into someone I have met once or twice and listening to them tell me about what so and so is up to, when the fact is, I couldn’t care any less.  Usually it ends badly with me being completely honest and telling someone like this that I don’t get involved with gossip and not to bring it up to me again.  Of course then I am just “mean” or “being ugly” toward the gossip hound who has probably burned me in an email to others more than once….

My past is something that no person would be proud of because I choose the wrong guy to play house with and made a bunch of piss poor decisions that I am still living with, paying for, and learning from today.  In eleven years time I have grown astronomical amounts, went back to school, went to college afterward, and am still in the process of becoming the adult I would like to be.  Those who pass judgment have never seen what I’ve seen and would refuse to walk more than 3 minutes in my shoes.  Above all of this I place money below love and family above working a 60 to 70 hour a week dead end job outside of the house, instead, I would rather work from home and spend time with my kids.  Who would fault a person for putting family first?  I know a few.

A few rude individuals who always know exactly what YOU need and how YOU SHOULD do things.  These people will not hesitate to tell you what you’re doing wrong and will refuse to admit their own faults and refuse to peek into the mirror at themselves, their flaws, and personalities. [plural because they either have several of those OR more faces than one.]

No one wants to hear about what they need to fix!

They would much rather learn by themselves…instead of having the nosey fat little bird of hypocrisy sitting on a wheely office chair with the shocks blown out of it because she spends her 60 hour a week self sitting on her big office ass all day answering phone calls from people telling this fat office bird how to do her job.  I am tired of these little nosy fat birds trying to make myself and others feel as if their lives aren’t good enough, that our parenting skills aren't up to par, and that we should be doing this or that rather than what we are doing in present time.  These fat little office birds are going to cause me to come unglued and go white trash on them because I am tired of people who do not know me from Adam assuming they know me and what I stand for.

For your information little Mrs. Beginner Office-Ass and her ugly older sister Mrs. Cottage Cheese Office-Ass, the only reason I have not told you two ugly Betty’s off…yet…is because of my respectful “Harm none, do as ye will!!” nature but your time of me sparing feelings and turning the other cheek will eventually come to an abrupt halt.  The truth of the matter is I will not kiss someone’s ass, back-stab co-workers, or upset others to climb the ladder of self importance like you.  I have always been realistic with myself…I am not important in this life…none of us are…we are all simply people walking around in a meat suit with some kind of purpose that one day we may figure out.  Life is not that complicated!  We procreate with the hope that most of those offspring will not turn out to be criminals and follow a societal flow that is acceptable enough to not land us in prison while trying NOT to harm others.

I choose to live simply and there is nothing wrong with that.  I walk around in nice outfits, carry a look-a-like bag from some department store and probably bought it half off because it was cute!  My hair is usually a mess and I rarely wear makeup.  My children are too outspoken and know too much….there is that damn word again…  “Too!”

Everyone has their own fat old office bird….feel free to tell me about yours!

Disclaimer:  This blog is not directed at ALL Secretaries....the two bitches who pissed me off just so happen to be secretaries.  ;)  

Onward to 12-22-2012! Have a wonderful day...

The Mayans were not completely wrong, you know?  Today was supposed to be –by assumption- the end of the world as we know it…but...I feel fine, I suppose.  They were partially right though...with each turn of the calendar this entire system is in need of a reboot.  Which leads me to wonder…?

WHY DID JESUS NOT BEAM THEM UP?

Some of you may be thinking that I am going absolutely insane…right?  NO!  I am not!  I want to know why –on this lovely day that we have all been waiting for- didn’t Jesus come back to claim his chosen ones to go to the promise land today?  This would have been a joyous event leaving people feeling like they have entered the gates of heaven, even if we haven’t because if we cannot all agree on everything there is one thing that most religions agree with.  Westboro Baptist Church is a disgusting stain on the underpants of life.  While being just as irritating and painful to deal with to as the tiny little peanut particle left behind after you make poos.  You know what I’m talking about…the peanut particle that sticks and continues scratching your ever so tender –sun don’t shine- skin as you wipe.

I am no more surprised to hear that they want to protest the Sandy Hook tragedy than I was to hear them say hateful things like,

“Thank GOD for dead soldiers!”  

These people are attention whores.  They retweet every horrible thing said about them hoping for sympathy (or fame) and actually believe that God is standing up for their church every time we say something negative in its direction.  These people believe children who bear absolutely no relation to their haters what-so-ever deserve to die because God is punishing society for hating the WBC.  They believe that God is punishing us, America, for accepting each and every person regardless of beliefs, culture, sexual orientation, etc which is how they explain why soldiers deserve to die.   Above all of these psychotic beliefs that the leader of this cult has shoved up each of their crazy collective asses, they believe God is an asshole who will rain down his hatred and jealousy because us humans refuse to follow the Bible the WBC way.

So…again I ask.  If today is apocalypse day, why in the name of all that is holy didn’t their God beam them up?

So, as this story progresses and we as normal humans learn more and more about this church it becomes a lot less about religious views and more surrounded around bigoted views circled around the things they seem to fear and hate backed up by handpicked verses from the Bible; even though both Fred Phelps and Shirley Phelps-Roper both “hide” their own personal secrets like Fred Phelps being a physically abusive father and Shirley Phelp’s having a baby out of wedlock; but I am mostly certain that God will forgive them without anyone killing their children…right?

Or maybe that is why they weren't beamed up to enjoy this 12-21-12 in heaven where the WBC believes they belong.

And if so, does that mean us "sinners" are doomed to listen to the WBS forever?  Nahhh....someone will eventually pin them for a hate group and take away the tax exempt religious status which will hopefully cause them to slowly dwindle away and vanish.  If it is true about what Christians say and Jesus is going to come back to get the elite...I want to be there, just to see him knock on the WBC's door and flip them all the bird or maybe Jesus is sending Anonymous.  This open-to-the-public look narcissism has taught me one thing!  It must be really....really chaotic inside of their heads.

Cookie Cutter Christmas....yet...again...

Do you even wonder why people send out the exact same (aged a year) family photo Christmas card of everyone in matching uniform and faked smiles from the photographer yelling, "Ok!  Now say CHEEEESEEEEEE!"  How long do you actually look at that card an analyze it?

I am one of those assholes who believes Tickle-Me-Elmo should have been punched in the junk, family decals on cars are effin lame (unless it has to do with zombies), and family Christmas cards are pointless pleas to show how "well" you're doing.

"Look at me!  I am a superb working super mom who is balancing 3 1/2 children, a home, 452 after school activities, and somewhere in between I also manage to make my own household cleaners!"

I am also going to go out on a limb here and assume you NEVER get laid.  Who has time for that shit anyways?  Life is all about money!  If I ever do choose to actually send "family photo" Christmas cards (Maybe I should say if I ever send out Christmas cards...PERIOD.) to people it would mean something other than showing off what I am able to do with my money.  It will be worth much more and will be something my family holds onto and laughs about for years to come.  I am not saying that sending these cards is a bad idea and kudos to those who are able...

I am merely mentioning...er....screaming in your ear to be more creative!  I have seen your family in matching white shirts & blue jeans in every-single-fucking background known to human kind....except the one where zombies are chasing your asses down the road.

I mean...I wish no ill will but I sincerely doubt if in the event of a zombie apocalypse that you would survive because all you have to do on a daily basis is worry about your bank accounts and Iphones!  The one time of year that you're supposed to share how YOU feel about YOUR family selflessly, you send out some cookie cutter shit card wearing the same exact outfit and same exact smile as last year....only...different!

Families drift apart...

Sometimes a Christmas card is the only thing that lets people know you're still alive.  Just please, please, FOR THE LOVE OF.....whatever God you believe in.  At least try to show your family that you care instead of sending out the same boring ass "Merry [whatever the fuck you celebrate]" family photo with a generic message about your year in review for 2012.

Update:  This blog was written on 12/08/2012 and scheduled to post on 12/18/2012.  Yeah, I am testing out that whole posting schedule thing so I can be more "on time" and shit.  Anyways...It has been sitting there stored away from the public waiting...festering....preparing to piss off all of those cookie cutter Christmas families when what to my wondering eyes should appear?  A punch in the throat blog with one humble brag letter!  LOL!  Its awesome to know I am not the only one these stupid cards piss off.

No words today, just silence...

There are no words to express how sad I feel for the victims and their families today.  This will be the only blog post I make today.  Please, no matter what faith you are please say a prayer in your own way for those who are witnessing, have been injured or killed, and the families suffering either by fear of sending their children to school or because they have lost a loved one in this tragedy.  Despite speculation there is no one to blame but the man who went into an elementary school and took the lives of several people.

Hug your babies tight and make sure to always tell them how much they mean to you.

I am a tight wad...

After watching everything on Netflix that is worth watching I have finally reached that list of shit I 'may' watch if I am ever desperate for entertainment.  At the top of that list is TLC's Extreme Couponers which is basically the same program over and over again about how people with stockpiles of products show you how to get it at next to nothing or free with -DANA-DANAAAA- coupons!  I love this concept and -yes- I know it is scripted, all reality shows are.

I've been researching the art of couponing since and am sincerely planning on trying one of these "stockpile runs" when I feel that I know enough to not get stuck at the register putting half of the shit I loaded into the buggy back because I screwed up, missed some detrimental coupon rule in the store's policy, or just lose the nerve to whip out my binder full of women...OOPS!...coupons.

So why does this interest me so much?  Well ladies and gentlemen I -Tracye- of sound mind and body hereby openly admit to being a broke ass tight wad who likes to stock up on things I may need one day without spending an ass-load of money.  Here is the deal!  Some are graced with a wonderful life and many blessings and then there are the rest of us.  If anything can happen to shit on our days...it will.  Spare the lectures of positive smiles and sunshine I burn sage on a daily basis just to keep the crazy shit that happens to all of us down to a low hum.  Some may think its horrible....but I just think it is the life I have been given, so, fuck it!  Lets cut some coupons!

While researching the bazillions of ways to save money through coupon clipping and stockpiling I ran across a pin on pinterest about DIY home remedies....cleaners.....

Being the obsessive crafter and zombie prepper that I am?  Of course I clicked...I clicked HARD and entered the wonderful world of handmade through a housewife's eyes!  There are home remedies for Dr. Mom and cleaning solutions for Maidbob Wifeypants.  I spent hours on the phone discussing these things with my morbidly funny equal to which she asked, "Why not just buy it?"  With some things I do agree!  It takes less time to just go out, buy a $2 refill bottle of Lysol  come home, and clean to your heart's content....but then...how will we know how to survive with disinfected counters after December 21st, 2012?  Hmmmmm?

So here is a list of shit I found that you may really need to use some day if in the event of a world crisis or zombie-effing-apocalypse:

1. Dresser garden boxes for growing your own veggies, herbs, and making your areal look pretty!  
2. Bug Repellent for...well...repelling bugs!
3. A dab of honey to cure wounds and other DIY first aid.
4. Household Cleaners because everyone needs a clean living area!
5. and last but not least DIY yourself a membership into the Zombie Squad!

Common sense is not as common as we think...

Belk mob waiting for gift cards!

I epically fail at keeping schedule over the holidays and not because I am especially busy but because I have been exceptionally lacking in self discipline and motivation due to the several cases of plague germs lurking the halls of my kid’s school.  I sit here writing I just want to pass out on my keyboard…forehead first.  My intention two weeks ago was to post a blog about Black Friday, a rant that all of us WANT to scream loud and proud but aren’t willing to get into a physical altercation on this exceptionally “wonderful” day.

Black Friday is usually something I shy away from simply because I tend to avoid large crowds and violent mobs as well as any other sane person.  Ok, I’ll admit it…I am not sane!  I am completely people-a-phobic…yeah yeah I know the technical term is agoraphobia but let’s not go diagnosing anyone, mmmk?   I went to Walmart last year when they had their 10p.m. madhouse rush moments after the turkey hit everyone’s G.I. Tract.  Trust me I know because there was no oxygen inside of Walmart…nope…not after about five minutes!  It quickly turned into a methane fumed thick brown and green tinted fog of turkey and egg-fart poo-gas.  As us girls walked through the store –er fought our way through the thick flowing river of people- we found comfort in a quiet section by the bakery where employees had everything roped off.  My intention was to watch the crowd fight as they cut the tape off and then slink around grabbing all of the toys that were left over and on sale.  It was an awesome plan and it worked…too bad half of the people who were there didn’t have the same sudden urge of common sense.

That night a woman got her lights busted out over a Power Wheels jeep that was marked down $20 and some idiot got stabbed when he tried to rob someone coming out of the store.  Don’t you know, Mr. Stupid!?  People come to Black Friday strapped, Duh!  Anyone in their right mind would never carry mass quantities of cash out in the middle of the night without a piece to back them up.  There was yet another issue that happened and was by far the most unfortunate of all.  This is the reason for my rant and also the reason that humanity is lacking in the producing smert humans department.  A couple of morons brought their two year old and took them into the mob to get $5 video games and DVDs!  This poor kid ended up getting trampled in the mob of people, but thank the gods for the person who stopped their greed for 5 seconds to grab this baby because his parents surely didn’t.

“Yer on yer own sonnnnn!  Daddy found GTA fer $10 bucks!” 

They weren’t the only people who risked their own children’s lives to go shopping (even though the same sales were going on online) there were kids wandering around alone and parents shopping for the best deals.  News flash parents!  Santi Claus isn’t coming if your kid is taken by Peter Weter the Pedo-Bear.  Seriously, I am sure Christmas for you will come to an abrupt halt…anddddd all of your Black Friday deals won’t mean shit.

This year we went to sit in the Belk parking lot to see if we could win the big $1000 gift card.  We didn’t…but we got a $5 just for shits and giggles and again!  Like Malrats…with that effing kid on the escalator parents were bringing their babies out in practically nothing….to sit in the cold, in a parking lot, in the middle of the night, with people yelling about those who cut in line.

BABIES are NOT accessories!

You cannot just feed them, burp them, and be like come on baby we’re gonna go out at a time that is way past your bed time for shit I don’t even need and you’re going to freeze your ass off so momma can have those $18 boots!

Moms & Dads!  Have some sense and leave the kids home when you mob shop.  It’s safer that way.

The little things in life that matter...

I have not been myself in quite some time...

Something happens in a person's head when there are years upon years of fighting through life just to hold your head above water.  Lately it seems as if I am in the middle of the ocean, fighting through the waves, and struggling to keep my head above the surf as some imaginary entity pushes me down just for laughs.  As time progresses and I kick my legs fighting to survive....

After doing so for so long -usually- a person stops fighting, falls to the bottom of the sea floor, as water rushes into their lungs....

I've been at that point of giving up.  So tired of the negative things in life that happen just to knock you down like a humorous game of whack-a-mole.

Now as I am clawing my way out of this hole of mind fuckery that has been my life over the last year I realized that the more I fight, the worse it gets...and I gave up.  Please spare me the lectures about handing all of my problems over to God, Jesus, Buddah...or whoever else you are going to suggest...as far as I have seen no one wanted this mess.  Trust me - I've tried them all...screaming to the heavens like some madhatter in the middle of my front yard.

If I were naked it would have been interesting!

Today I needed time to blow off steam...needed an outlet outside of this world.  For those of you who understand the therapy of video games, that is where I went.  While in game...as we like to say...I wanted to hear music that reminded me of my Mom.  She really was the only person who could make me feel better when life felt like it was going to implode my brain and since the 1 year anniversary of her death is only weeks away I needed to listen to the music so I could remember the sound of her voice.

I turned her favorite songs on and remembered that I hadn't heard the new album released on 9/18 by Pink.  I felt so bad that I totally forgot about this album and for the life of me I couldn't understand why I would just think of listening to it today...but she is my favorite artist which is something in common that I share with my mom.  I am sure all of you understand why I was subconsciously avoiding hearing it....

Youtube has the full album...if I link it, it will just become a dead link on this blog so I am sure all of you know how to search for it.

Anyways....

I love this album...and to be perfectly honest it has saved me from becoming a total basket case....
...and then there is the joy of your 10 year-old looking at you like you looked at your own mom and telling you, "Mom, you're my favoritest person."

Just like that it was like the weight of a thousand years had been lifted from my chest and I could breathe again.  I am not sure what this life has to throw at me next, but whatever it is I am ready for it and in the end I want people to remember me as, "Tracye, a mom who is strong-like-bull."  ;) see ya next time peeps.

Cooking that wont get you killed: Something...

That is it!  I have lost all of my cooking mojo!  After cooking and cooking and cooking (because I love it so much) I have pretty much burnt myself out on the entire act of cheffery....

I find myself lately staggering into the kitchen...looking at the clock...and sighing heavily that it is actually "already" time to cook dinner.  Call it cooking burn out or "tired of doing the same EFFING thing day in and day out".  Either way....I am sure everyone has been there.

Today while preparing dinner I found myself going off into full "stare into space while I daydream"...daydream.  It may be that a change in routine is needed; however until that is possible I will have to work with whats provided.  There are a few things that I like to do when I've hit the chef blues:

• Ask someone else to take it on for the night.
• Search for new ideas and recipes.
• Ask everyone in the house what they have been craving.
• Watch "Julie & Julia" in my jammies while my children slurp sketti-os from the can and I eat ice cream straight from the carton.

Of course three days of this usually ends in me getting up and forcing myself to feed the kids a well balanced meal again.  I promise these things don't happen often so please refrain from lecturing me about sodium content of the Chef's many gourmet meals in a can because I am already aware.  The point is when I have these days and call a "fend for yourself night" I really don't give two shits if my kids eat cookies for dinner as long as they are happy, enjoying their night, and allow me to watch my movie in peace.

The rest of the year Mom is usually on it!  Every night is exactly the same schedule during the weekdays because my kids tend to get very grumpy when there is no schedule.  They get off of the bus and home from work and the first question while grabbing a snack because they are fed "NOTHING" in school all day is, "What's for dinner?"

My typical response is "Something", said with a smile of course!  I say something because if I don't they will come picking through my pots looking for a "Taste" of this and that and for those of you who do not understand the mind of a southern cook...you do NOT lift the lid on Momma's pot.  It's rude and when I was a child it would get-you-slapped!

Tonight's something just so happens to be a family favorite.  This recipe was created by me using two awesome recipes combined - Poppy Seed Chicken and Chicken Pot Pie.

Creamy Chicken Casserole  

Serves: 6

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

4 Boneless and skinless chicken breasts

1 can of cream of mushroom soup

1 can of cream of chicken soup

1/4 cup of chicken broth

1/2  cup of sour cream

2 cups of frozen mixed veggies

1 sleeve of Ritz crackers

1/2 stick of melted butter

2 tsp poppy seeds

Brown chicken breasts until they are completely cooked inside and out and then cut them into bite-sized cubes.  In a casserole dish combine cream of soups  sour cream, and chicken broth - mixing well with each addition.  Once the liquid ingredients are mixed well stir in veggies and chicken, crush the crackers, sprinkle them on top of the mixture, and then drizzle melted butter on top of the crackers so they brown.  Once all of the steps are complete sprinkle poppy seeds on top and bake for 30 minutes.  If the recipe is doubled the cook time will vary.

Enjoy!

Oopsie's Top 5 Tutorial Review: Halloween Decorations

Of course I must start this by exclaiming my extreme love for Halloween and my lady crush on Fall.  If one day Winter disappeared Fall would be the VP of favorite seasons in my brain.  I think I enjoy fall and winter so much because these two seasons allow my creative brain to act in overdrive and I pump out most of my craziest artwork in mass quantities.

In all honesty I don't know what it is about this part of the year that makes me love it so much.  Maybe its the frumpy clothes, slippers, hoodies, and sweat pants.  Maybe its the bonfires and s'mores, trick-or-treating, and pumpkin carving.  No matter what it is all I know is that this is the time of year I make memories and summer...well...that to me is hell's distant relative.  Seriously...I hate warm weather.

I know I have mentioned the fact that I love crafting and not in any one category...I just love to create things.  The pride in myself that I have developed from using my hands to create things over the years is astonishing and once I figured out my love for crafting my life, all of a sudden, didn't suck so much.

I have been searching the interwebs for some craft tutorials that will help me in decorating my house for Halloween....  NO I have not done it yet!  I am a late bloomer...what can I say?  Anyways I see absolutely no need in spending ungodly amounts of cash on store Halloween decorations that epic fails after the first use.  Its almost like buying Halloween costumes, using them once, and throwing them away.  Now...if we were ALL rich maybe we could afford to do that but even if someone is rich...why would they want to waste money on junk?

So!  I have come up with a list of tutorials that I just-so-happen to believe are the coolest ones meeting my criteria of creepy but kid friendly, not so difficult that the kids wont be able to help, and something that will not scare the pants off of every trick-or-treater in town.

All of these tutorials are credited to the sites they belong to as well as their photos...I claim no ownership of these tutorials.  Now!  That is out of the way...here are the tutorials of awesomeness!

#1 - Hanging Ghosties 

By: Simply Designing

I don't know about all of you but I know my kids and they will rock this project!  I am actually looking forward to seeing these ghosts swing from our trees out front this weekend.

#2 - Mason Lanterns

By:  Gleeful Things

Lighting the way is important...but not too much light or they will see the guy sitting in the woods with the chainless chainsaw!  

#3 - Pickled Brains

By: Martha Stewart

Its really difficult to creep people out without a big ole' handy dandy jar of pickled brains!  This is a recipe showing you how to make them and you can choose the jar to place them in.  Set it by your pumpkin labeled "Pickled Brains" to freak everyone out!

#4 - Ding Dong the Witch is Dead

By:  Holiday Snob

No Halloween set up is perfect without a stuffed article of clothing shoved out in the front yard to resemble some poor unfortunate soul who passed through and unexpectedly got smacked with a shovel....Little Nicky...haha!  This year I am favoring the stuffed stockings with red slippers portraying the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz.

#5 - Window Silhouettes

By:  Giggleberry Creations

And last but not least window Silhouettes made from black contact paper.  These things are awesome and there is even a grid on the cover paper so you can perfect your sketch before cutting them!

Remember to leave a comment (on tutorial creator's site) thanking them for their contribution to the tutorial universe and tell me how it works out in the comment section below!